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It is 2012 and a very old Louis van Gasteren is reviewing an earlier phase in his life in a video editing suite. In the movie he is watching, a 42 year old Louis stands watching garbage cans loaded into a truck in 1964. The older Louis reflects upon his own image as a young man, "At the age of 90, it's strange to look back at myself then. I see myself, knowing what has happened to me since, Yes, it's me but then again it isn't." We leave the old man and pick up the story as it unfolds beginning in 1964 in Amsterdam, when as a young man Louis began to film his feelings and experiences in a full length feature film. We see him and his family at a carnival, shot in gaudy color, a different time, before the 60s really happened, feeling almost like the 19th century. We hear a player piano. Louis is with his two young children from his first marriage, Louis and Dominique, and his second wife Jacqueline and their newly born daughter Mardou. They are watching a fat mother and daughter on a carnival stage, who together, we learn from a sign, weigh 900 pounds. The carnival barker explains that the fat women are very rare and gives their exact dimensions as they sit pleasantly in seats for the audience. The family then rides the carousel as Louis in voice over introduces each of them and himself to the viewer. In voice over Louis explains that he is living the "illusion" of a lasting family life. The film then regresses into Louis' past, as he explains through photos and archival footage that a few years earlier his parents had died, his mother three months after his father by taking her own life. His father had been a famous stage actor, Louis van Gasteren Sr., his mother a singer and communist who had quit the concert stage to travel through rural Spain, learning Spanish ballads from the peasants. Haunted by his mother's death, Louis plays for a colleague a recording he has of his mother singing in Spanish. He picks up a post card from her in Spain and explains she would describe not the temperature and food of a foreign country like most people, but the feel of a place like a hot Spanish harbor. Driving through the landscape of his childhood with his wife, he points out to her the sites he would visit as a boy when his family lived in the Hague, such as riding on the back of his father's bicycle and the things his father would observe. We see a shadow of a boy and a man on a bicycle seemingly following alongside Louis' and his wife's car as they drive down the